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Well done! You’ve found the secret page by breaking my website, just a little bit.

Okay, so you’re a little bit lost but that’s all right. Everybody gets a little bit lost on occasion. There’s only one way to cure this unfortunate melancholy: home-baked biscuits.

THE RECIPE

First of all, make sure that you preheat the over to 190C. Then, stick some baking paper on those baking trays.

Mash up some butter and some sugar into a bowl - imagine that, if you don’t get this mixture creamy enough, somebody in your family will fall over.

Melt some tasty duck fat in a non-stick pan; once it’s hot enough, you should add some bacon. Beat in an egg, trickle some vanilla extract, sieve some flour, bicarbonate of soda, salt and mix until reality begins to bend in front of you.

Then, add in some chocolate chips before returning to the bacon. When it is brown, you should add some diced onions and garlic, maybe slice up some cooked sprouts and cabbage.

You’ll want to add in some mashed potato to that cabbage-sprout cacophony and, once coloured, add that to your creamy mixture.

Spoon it into the baking trays and bake until done. When you’re at that point, let it all cool and then throw away; maybe you should instead buy something from the shop.